The Acts And Bravery of Lord Daisuke Matsuzaka, and his Sidekick Sir Papelbon
There is a tree. A DAMSEL is tied to that tree. The lights come up, we see it is PRINCESS EMMA, BLOGSTRESS OF THE CRIMSON SOX.
EMMA: Oh my! Oh dear! I have been tied to this tree, the TREE OF KNOWLEDGE, deprived of my pens, bound by the EVIL THESIS MONSTER! WHO WILL HELP ME!
*EVIL THESIS MONSTER ENTERS, STAGE RIGHT*
ETM:BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH! Your case is hopeless, my dear! Not only is that really strong rope, it is enchanted rope, ensorcelled so as not to break until the proper time, and the proper man comes to save you.
EMMA: Proper man? Screw that. *starts searching with foot for sharp objects*
ETM: That will do you no good, my dear! By your explorations into these wilds of Scotland-
EMMA: This is Metro Boston, dude.
ETM: Ahem. These wilds of Scotland, you have fallen into my trap.
EMMA: Only because you looked like William Wallace. The cool one, too, not Mel Gibson,
ETM: Oh will you just shush please. But, even if you manage to free yourself, you will be like Cassandra of old, plagued with all manner of thoughts about baseball, but unable to express them.
EMMA: OH HEAVENS! Wait. Why the hell am I talking like this? Fuck this noise.
*Monster cackles evilly, Emma struggles, and THEN!*
*Tall but oddly rotund figure enters stage left*
FIGURE: Domo arigato, my lady. I have come to assist you in your time of need. You are needed back in the kingdom of Sox, and I was deemed the most worthy and brave knight.
EMMA: BAD-ASS! It is Lord Daisuke of Matsuzaka! And who is that handsome but goofy manchild behind him?
GOOFY MANCHILD: Hey, y'all, it is me, Sir Papelbon. And I bring with me THE ALL POWERFUL VEGETABLE MOJO!
ETM: HAhahahaha! You shall never defeat me!
D and P: Wanna bet?
*They throw fastballs at the Evil Thesis Monster until it goes away*
P: Nicely done, Lord D.
D: Thank you, Jonathan.
P: But how are we to free Princess Emma?
D: Simple. We have my Sword of Awesomness to cut the rope. And it is now the fateful Ides of March, the time when it is prophesied that the Glorious One will come to return the Princess to the Land of Baseball. You must return that Mojo that is rightfully hers.
P:.....okay. That sounds good.
EMMA: WILL YOU TWO JUST GET ON WITH IT.
*POOF* *FLASH* *KAZAAM*
EMMA: Oh! I am free! How can I ever thank you?
D: By returning to your glorious kingdom, and continuing in the guardianship of your portion of the Sacred All Powerful Vegetable Mojo.
EMMA: I can do that.
*All three walk off into the sunset to glorious Spring Training*